Looking through Emails

Collection of Emails.

My Photo
Location: Bangalore, India

Indian,Working,Vegetarian, Single,Smart.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Marriage invitation........(SQL Server Stored Procedure Style)


@BrideGroom Char(NotBad),

@Bride Char(Good)




FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND

CarCount > 2 AND

HouseStatus ='TwoStoreyed' AND


HavingBrothers='NO' AND

HavingSisters ='No' AND

AllowRelocate ='YES' AND

SELECT Gold, Cash, Car, BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw

UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherinLawBal

UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherinLawGold

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Importance for being SILENT !!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you just ran out
of words and you go...

the moment when you left your home for the first time and you look back at your parents who are worried that their son/daughter are leaving them yet happy that their child took the first step towards independence. ...

the moment when the girl/boy you like most.. smiled back at you! You don't say anything.. you just smile back.. ...

the moment when you get better marks than you expected... those "numb" moments of ecstasy n surprise "is that true?"...

... the moment when you are parting with your old friend(s) and the train has just started... and you are standing on the door of the wagon.. waving "bye-bye" with your heart beating fast... ...

the moment after the HR manager has just called you and told you,"You are through! Congrats!" ...

the moment when you sit alone in your room after having told everyone that you cleared that exam you prepared for 6 months!!

You can go on remembering your "special" moments!

They say.. the best way to communicate is through "silence". Love. Joy. Grief. Surprise. Anger. Hope. Expectations. Support. Non-cooperation...

Can you imagine the importance of a silent moment in a song??
When Bryan Adams stops for a while along with music, before he goes on in his husky voice... ... Please forgive me. I can't stop loving you!
Ever had those moments when you thought you were tired enough that you reach for your bed after dinner.. but find yourself wide awake looking at the roof of your room silently...

But you sure are 'thinking'... those moments of self-talk are the most important in our lives. Those moments when we listen to our own hearts! Those promises... those decisions... those are the moments when we make our destinies!

Next time you go silent... listen carefully to what your heart is saying.. listen to its joy...listen to its pain.. listen to its fears.. listen to its desires..

Don't make it shut up and go off to sleep... LISTEN TO THAT VOICE and ACCEPT EVERYTHING IT SAYS! That voice alone can lead you to the abode of peace that your sleep lacks... peace that awaits you! Be in touch with your true self...

be silent once a day, every day !

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Gone are the Days

Gone are the days
When the school reopened in June,
And we settled in our new desks and benches.
Gone are the days
When we queued up in book depot,
And got our new books and notes.
Gone are the days
When we wanted two Sundays and no Mondays, yet
Managed to line up daily for the morning prayers.
Gone are the days
We learnt writing with slates and pencils, and
Gone are the days
When we chased one another in the corridors in Intervals,
And returned to the classrooms drenched in sweat.
Gone are the days
When we had lunch in classrooms, corridors,
Playgrounds, under the trees and even in cycle sheds.
Gone are the days
When a single P.T. period in the week's Time Table, Was awaited more
eagerly than the monsoons.
Gone are the days
When cricket was played with writing pads as bats, and Neckties and
socks rolled into balls.
Gone are the days
When few played "kabadi" and "kho-kho" in scorching sun, While others
simply played "book cricket" in the confines of classroom.
Gone are the days
Of fights but no conspiracies,
Of Competitions but seldom jealousy.
Gone are the days
When we used to watch Live Cricket telecast,
In the opposite house in Intervals and Lunch breaks.
Gone are the days
When few rushed at 5:30 to
"Conquer" window seats in our School bus.
Gone are the days
Of Sports Day, and the annual School Day,
And the one-month long preparations for them.
Gone are the days
Of the stressful Quarterly, Half Yearly and Annual Exams,
And the most enjoyed holidays after them.
Gone are the days
Of tenth and twelfth standards, when we
Spent almost the whole year writing revision tests.
Gone are the days
We learnt, we enjoyed, we played, we won, we lost, We laughed, we
cried, we fought, we thought.
Gone are the days
With so much fun in them, so many friends,
So much experience, all this and more.
Gone are the days
But not the memories, which will be
Lingering in our hearts for ever and ever and
Ever and ever and Ever.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Indians don't do different things but they do things differently."

An Indian walks into a New York City bank and asks to see the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys of a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the
bank. Everything is checked out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that u are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow just $5,000?" The Indian replied,"Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

"Indians don't do different things but they do things differently."

Friday, April 07, 2006

Looking through Emails

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you dont want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Drunkyard's : ABCD

V VAT 69

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Appraisal vs resignation

Appraisal vs Resignation

In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.

In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.

During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.

There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.

Friday, February 24, 2006

If you lost in INDIA

if you ever get lost in india and want to find out where you are, this is the best way of doing just that.

scenario 1
two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who s right - you are in kolkata.

scenario 2
two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on - thats mumbai.

scenario 3
two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. the first two get together & beat him up - thats delhi .

scenario 4
two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. a guy comes along and quietly opens a chai stall - that s ahmedabad.

scenario 5
two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. he writes a software program to solve the issue but the fight does not stop
because of a bug in the program. that s bangalore .

scenario 6
two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. a guy comes along and quietly says that anna doesn t like all this nonsense. peace comes in - that s chennai.

scenario 7
two guys are fighting. both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. now 50 guys are fighting. you are in hyderabad

scenario 8
two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch.someone calls police. the police come and lathi charge all the people crowded there. someone throws stones at the police. the police throw stones back at the crowd. some people are arrested. damages to the shops nearby. next day, harthal and holiday declared by government ..You are very much in
thiruvananthapuram, the city of kerala ....

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Time is updating, refreshing, appending ........

25 years ago......

A program was ... a television show
An application was .. for employment
Windows were..... something u hated to clean
A cursor ... used profanity
A keyboard was ...a piano
Memory was..... something u lost with age
A CD was... a bank account
If u unzipped in public u went to jail
Compress was something u did to garbage
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
Log on was adding wood to fire
A backup happened to your toilet
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
Cut.. u did with scissors
Paste.. u did with glue
A web was a spiders home
A Monitor was some one who used to keep watch on classmates in absense of teacher or
A Monitor was class (School's) representative
A Desktop was desk's top surface.
And a virus was the flu!!

... Times surely have changed, becoming a part of the 'www' web world.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Technical Support Case

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processes that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activities. Applications such as BachelorNights
10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs,
crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0, but
the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

"A Troubled User"


Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about. Many people
upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that
it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system
once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is
designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support)

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment. I
suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as
Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 .
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is
to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewelry 5.0

DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This
application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage
to the operating system.

Tech Support Team

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Prayer for "WINTER"

Dear GOD

Please tell my MOM not to waste Water.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Beware of English!!!!!!!!!!

Here are translation of some common used english sentences::::

What's up? ----- *Uppar kya hai?
You're kidding! ----- *Tum bachcha bana rahe ho!
Don't kid me! ----- * Mera bachcha mut banaao!
Yo, baby! What's up? -----* Beti Yo, uppar kya hai?
Cool man! -----* Thandaa aadmi!
Don't mess with me, dude.----- * Mere saath gandagee mat karo, e vyakti.
She's so fine! ----- * Woh itnee baareek hai!
Listen buddy, that chick's mine, okay!?----- * Suno dost, woh choozaa mera hai, theek?
Are you nuts? ----- * Kya aap akhrot hain?

And the best ones are.....

How do you do? ----- * Kaise karte ho?
General Body Meeting.... ----- *Saamanya Shaaririk Milan
Keep in touch................. *Chhoote Raho.....

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Bihai Version of Driving License Form......

Bihar Driving License...
------------------------------------------ -----------------------

NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen.

For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.

1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

4. Sex: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right


(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

8. Number that are yours: ___

9. Mather name: _______________________

10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

13.Your thumb imparesson :

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please
provide your own thumb impression.)


Use thumb on y our lepht hand only. If you dont have le pht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.


Bihar RTO

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Creative puzzles

1. man

Ans. == man overboard

2. stand
Ans. == I understand

3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/

Ans. == reading between the lines

4. r

Ans. == cross road

5. cycle

Ans. == tricycle

6. t

Ans. == downtown

le /
/ vel /

Ans. == split level

8. 0

Ans. == two degrees below zero

9. knee

Ans. == neon light (knee-on-light)

10. ii ii
* O

Ans. == circles under the eyes

11. dice

Ans. == paradise

12. t

Ans. == touchdown

13. ground

Ans. == six feet underground

14. he's / himself

Ans. == he's by himself

15. ecnalg

Ans. == backward glance

16. death / life

Ans. == life after death


Ans. == think big !!

Management Lessons

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: "Sure, why not." so, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Learning:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Learning:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Learning:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decide d they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

Management Learning:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass

Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died. Yama was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death. He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN. But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL. Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc. Then why the differential treatment?
He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre conceived notions. Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test.
PVNR is asked to spell "INDIA" and he does it correctly.
Advani is asked to spell "ENGLAND" and he too passes.
It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell "CZECHOSLOVAKIA".Laloo protests that he doesn't know English. He says this is not fair and hat he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.
Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).
PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and passes.
Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.
Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....." Tough one. He fails again. Laloo is extremely unhappy.
Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history.
Yama says 'OK', but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.
PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence?". He replied "1947" and passed.
Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?".
He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000.
Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.
It's Laloo's turn now. Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle.
Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.

Management Lesson:

Friday, November 18, 2005

The Difference between Focusing on Problems and Focusing on Solutions

Case 1:
When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space,they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

And what did the Russians do...?? They used a pencil.

Case 2:

One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soap box, which happened in one of Japan's biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soap box that was empty. Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department.For some reason, one soap box went through the assembly line empty. Management asked its engineers to solve the problem. Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soap boxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent a whoopee amount to do so.

But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc., but instead came out with another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soap box passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

Moral of the story:

"Always look for simple solutions. Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problems".

Monday, November 14, 2005

American Love vs Pakistani Love

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Marketing Fundas

  • You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich.Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.
  • You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich.Marry him." That's Advertising.
  • You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi,I'm very rich.Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
  • You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and ! pour her a drink. You open the door for her,pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich.Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
  • You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,"You are very rich.." That's Brand Recognition.
  • You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich.Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback !!!!!
  • You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich.Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. That's Demand and supply gap.
  • You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say,"I am very rich.Marry me!" she turns her face towards you she is your wife ! That's competition eating into your market share.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Do you know who r u talking to?????

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone :
"Get me a cup of coffee,quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension.
Do you know who you're talking to ?" "No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT ?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Application of Newton's Laws of Motion in IT industry.


1. Every body continues its state of rest or uniform motion unless it is acted by external unbalanced force.

1.Every Software Engineer continues chatting or forwarding mails or sending posts on humour unless he is assigned work by his manager.


2. The rate of change of velocity of a body is directly proportional to the applied force & takes place in the same direction in which force is applied.
2.The rate of changes made in the software are directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the faster rate as deadline approaches.

3.For every action there is equal and opposite reaction.
3. For every virus, there exist an equally powerful antivirus, & after release of that antivirus some more destructive virus comes into existance.

4. Law of Conservation of Energy:
Energy can neither be created nor be destroyed. It can be converted from one form to another.The total ammount of energy in the universe always remains constant.

4. Bug can neither be inserted nor be removed from software. It can only be converted from one form to another.The total number of bugs inthe software always remains constant.

5.The Uncertainty Principle of Heisenberg:
The more precisely the POSITION is determined,the less precisely the MOMENTUM is known.

"The more precisely the deadline is achieved, the less precisely the quality is maintained".